I farted on our first date
You high-fived me
I left a one-percent tip
You got the other nineteen
I told you I don't like Seinfeld
So you turned on wrestling
I sneezed when I first kissed you
You didn't find that upsetting
I told you my whole life is a crazy whirlwind
You said, that's okay boy
I wanna be your girlfriend

And I just don't understand what I did to deserve you, baby
You didn't listen to your friends when they told you I was garbage and not to date me

I told you that when I go to the bathroom
I never wash my hands
So you stopped doing that too
I told you happy birthday
After your reminder
When I showed you my roadkill collection
You organized the binder
I told your mom her meatloaf sucked
You started a food fight
I didn't wanna use a condom
So you got your tubes tied

And I just don't understand what I did to deserve you, baby
You didn't listen to your friends when they told you I was garbage and not to date me
But who's garbage now
I don't want you to hang out with those friends anymore
No not a single one of them
You're only allowed to see my friends from this moment forward

I didn't like your dog
So you gave him to a stranger
I wanted to have a Russian roulette night
You put your life in danger (so much danger)
My friend Violet shot herself
You helped me bury the body (hide the body)
We drew a pentagram in the grass
And joined the Illuminati (worship Satan)
A security guard caught us in the act
We had to keep him quiet (commit murder)
So you stabbed him in the heart
And buried him next to Violet (so much murder)
You tampered with the cemetery cameras
So they didn't show us trespassing (also a crime)
And then you washed our bloody laundry
Without me even asking (that's so thoughtful)
And I wondered
How could you be so perfect
You made my body tingle
I told you I might vote for Trump
And now I'm single

And I just don't understand what I did to deserve this, baby
You must be talking to those friends of yours again
'Cause I can't think of anything that's gone wrong lately
I want you back
I want things to be simple the way that they were before
Do you think there's a chance
Do you think we could settle the score and

Make our relationship great again
Make our relationship great again
Make our relationship great again
Make our relationship great again
Make our relationship great again
Make our relationship great again
Make our relationship great again
Just like it has always been